THE SATISFACTION OF SORRY & THE POWER OF APOLOGY
By Peter Smith
May 28 / 2023
A proper apology when given within the bounds of what that means is amongst the most underrated tools we humans carry with us.
An apology given at the moment of the infraction is usually all we offer and nobody feels better or worse from it as little importance was offered or taken. Of course
some apology’s carry complications or may reflect something long term where so often nothing is said. If the fault is clear, so is the apology. Even the complex and the long term will offer slices and snippets where apology is appropriate and if it’s appropriate it should be given.
I have been in one of those. situations where I believed I was the victim and should be receiving the apology, not giving one, however in my anger and exasperation I used some foul words, raised my voice and generated every insult I could conjure. It troubled me afterwards much more than I would of thought. A lot of what troubled me so much was I had let myself down and become someone I did not want to be. A self centered way of looking at things I know but there it was. Over the course of that day I put together an apology specific to that moment keeping it unrelated to the bigger picture.
It can’t be faked or at least not easily when you consider the ingredients of any apology of which sincerity is at the heart. Throw in sorrow and of course anger caused it , shame perhaps and certainly regret must be included. Man what else in life has a list like that attached to it.
I find writing it first very much helps to get it right as that’s where you will find your answers giving clarity to genuine thought. Many apologies carry little genuine intent because people don’t articulate what the apology is for . It is important to have specificity for clarity of the. moment that will carry and continue to work for you into the future. Avoid the general apology because it may come back and bite you. Zero right in , I’m sorry that I said … or did… and include that you felt bad afterwards for your behavior. All these details just work to raise you up both in your own head as well as there’s. Seize the power of the apology.
The following is an apology delivered today from which I noticed a number of things.
It was therapeutic just to write it and I found myself hitting all the points just by letting my conscience flow. So the exercise including sending it email not only gave me clarity and. a precise set of observations as well as to give the what and the why along with it. I came out the other side feeling good, not weak or embarrassed but strong and confident.
I guess the act itself allowed me to recover the honor I lost. Add to that a strong apology will work to disarm them. You take from them whatever ammunition your words may have otherwise given them to use against you or present to others. You might even come out of it in a more favorable position than before you committed said infraction. So you feel stronger, you are stronger, you have cleared the air and essentially stopped them from using your words against you. Done properly what many stupidly think as weakness actually transfers the power to you and allows you to restore your own sense of honor.
A few other potential bonuses which perhaps you might collect along the way, for example don’t forget you made your point and in such a way not to be forgotten easily. You will leave your target with nothing to work with and still have had the pleasure of that
moment as you let them have it! The last but not least benefit is they are now less likely to repeat the behavior that caused such a reaction from you to begin with.
One could make a sound argument that a strong, accurate, well articulated apology leaves behind a twinge of guilt because you feel so good and potentially demonstrated you are better than they are.
Lately you hear people say “Don’t ever apologize, it’s a sign of weakness“ as if that’s cool or makes you tough or something. Dangerous nonsense.They are the weak, not the thinkers, it is the strong that stand and own their own shit and the smart who find a way to make it work for them.
The following is an apology I made yesterday that prompted all of these “sorry” thoughts I bring you today. Makes me wonder how many other little quirks exist within us potentially worthy of a little study! Just as a little side note I believe an apology is best delivered in written form leaving the foundation for conversation or perhaps reference if need be.
. I apologize to you for my words yesterday.
I am more troubled at this moment for what I said than the reasons I said them.
I felt the weight of loss land on me and was unprepared for it.
I very much regret what I said and how I said it. It serves only in the end to diminish me as a man, no profit or pride could ever come from such an attack.
I use this apology to help recover any amount of what I have lost with my behavior so far outside the realm of the acceptable, in any situation, which is of course only for you to consider.
Nobody, nobody deserves to hear words so foul, no situation exists wherein justification could be found for rudeness and crudeness so profound, presented
in contradiction to what I thought I believed. I. tried, with intent just to hurt.
. Please I ask you from my heart to forgive me so. I may forgive myself.
I have learned in recent years to make the effort to keep my head up, to avoid the taunts that can come so easily from one’s own dark side and yesterday I failed.
I make this apology for you, not as a way to lessen my shame, I use such detail and offer this view into my soul simply to demonstrate the sincerity I attach to my regrets.
Peter Smith
